Dear New Mama…
Dear New Mama,
Welcome to a new phase of your motherhood journey, the one that can feel in some ways like the hardest of all. Having a new baby is amazing and tiring and can make you doubt yourself as you’ve never doubted yourself before. It’s also wonderful to experience the little joys that an infant cuddling you brings and to see your partner step into their new role. But let’s not sugar-coat it. This is HARD!
Hard in ways you never expected. And people tried to warn you that this would be life-changing but you just didn’t understand. It’s okay. None of us did. I was so naive to how much I would change as a person once I had a child. I thought I would just bring her right along side my husband and I on adventures and outings and we would just add her to our lives. But here I am, with a whole career because of her.
Hard only begins to scratch the surface of what motherhood has been like for me. But not in the ways I thought. I expected sleepless nights but not the complete and utter exhaustion of my child missing a nap and me not getting to rest when I needed it. I expected that feeding could be hard but not that I would feel like a failure for not being able to feed her, or that it would hurt so badly I dreaded every time he needed to nurse. I expected that it would be hard when they learned to walk and could run away from me but not the soul-shaking relief I would feel when a stranger walked out of a busy parking lot holding my toddler’s hand leading him back to safety after I was frantically searching for him. I have crumbled so many times in thankfulness for community who has helped me when I needed it most.
My mama-heart has hurt and been mended by other mamas, by friends and family, by my own children. I never once expected any of that as a new mama. I just had no idea. Sometimes I imagine the transition to motherhood to be like when they first looked through a telescope and saw how much further and more complex the galaxies are. We can see the night sky and how vast and amazing it is, we can see the motherhood journey of those around us. Then we look through the telescope and see other galaxies, we become mothers and see our lives, ourselves, our families in ways we never anticipated.
This transition is called matrescence. It’s like adolescence but for motherhood. Dr. Aurelie Athan coined the term and in doing so helped define something that is so abstract yet all consuming that we didn’t have a good way to explain it. Doing a bit of googling, you’ll find more and more people are talking about this transition. And here’s the thing, it’s not a short period of time like labor and delivery, where one moment you are an expectant parent then the next you are the mama. Matrescence is a long transition that happens with each of our children’s milestones. Because I’ve never been the mother of a nine year old, just as I’ve never been the mother to a boy, just as I’ve never been the mother to four children. I’m becoming that mother. I’m finding my new place over and over and over again.
And here’s what I need as I transition again and again. I need to give myself permission to rest and take in the moment. I need to ask for help. I need to give myself grace that I am not perfect but I am perfectly me. I need to go back to the very basics of my needs and support myself with healthy food, fluids that actually quench my thirst, cleaning myself, and doing something that makes me feel like I did something for myself today (usually washing my face and applying a moisturizer).
What do you need new mama? What are the very most basic needs that make you feel supported as you transition? Can you make a promise to yourself that you will ask for help? Even if it’s just help with one thing this week?
This new mama phase of your transition through matrescence is hard. It doesn’t mean you’re alone in the journey, just that no one could have truly prepared you. And just because no one could have prepared you, doesn’t mean you don’t deserve support or that it doesn’t exist. It’s there. Talk to friends and family, people online, me. When we have deep conversations and open ourselves to each other we find that we aren’t the only one struggling through this time, and we find the support we deserve.
You deserve support through this transition because becoming a mama is harder than any of us expected. Ask for what you need from the people closest to you. That’s my challenge to you. Do just one thing this week that will help you through the HARD. That might be taking something off your to-do list or adding just one thing for you. Your baby needs you and you need you. You deserve help because being a mama is hard and becoming you as a mama is hard. I see you new mama. I hold space for you during this hard time.
